Monday, April 20, 2015

When are you getting married?

The entire world seems to be asking me this question. Everyone just wants to know that why am I still single and when am I getting married. It was fine in the beginning but after a while, the repeated questions began to piss me off. I had absolutely no clue how to shut people off without being rude to them. So I thought of being creative. No, in order to get creative, I did not decide to get married.

My creative instincts told me that one way to stop people from pissing me off is to piss them off in return. I thought that if I will answer “Next Month” to all the questions pertaining to “Marriage”, people will get pissed off and will stop bothering me with such questions.

Finally the day came when I rolled out this strategy.

K: When are you getting married?
Me: Next month
K: Wow!! You didn’t tell me anything about it. So what is the date?
Me: That will be decided next month only.
K: Huh!! Where is the wedding?
Me: That will able be finalized next month only.
K: What!! Ok, at-least tell me who is the girl?
Me: You know what!! That will also be finalized next month only.
K: Stop pissing me off and tell me properly.
Me: I am telling you properly. What else do you want to know?
K: Fuck off.
Me: With pleasure.

This worked wonders for me. People actually stopped asking me such questions knowing very well what my answer would be and thus my life became a bit simpler. But in due course of time, I got bored with the same reply to different sets of people. So, I decided to take it to the next level.

K: When are you getting married?
Me: Well there are 2 answers to this question. Both of which are actually not true. So, which one would you like to know?
K: Interesting. I would like to hear the 1st one.
Me: Parents are looking for a good girl. I will marry when they will find one.
K: And what is the 2nd one?
Me: I am looking for a good girl. I will marry when I will find one.
K: So this means you and your parents are looking for the same type of girl – a good girl.
Me: Nope. We both are looking for a different type of girl. Definition of a “good girl” is different for both of us.
K: Care to explain?
Me: Well you can imagine the qualities of a “good girl” that my parents are looking for. It’s the same with all the parents, nothing new in it. However, my definition of a “good girl” is a bit different. For me a good girl is the one who comes to my flat at night and without saying a word, leaves in the morning.
K: Wdf?
Me: Yeah. How can I live with one-gina my entire life?? So I am looking for my kind of “good girl”.
K: You are sick.
Me: Why? Because I said that I cannot live with one-gina my entire life.
K: Do I need to explain that to you; you moron, you filthy womanizer, you bahenchod.
Me: Damn you hypocrites. You can pay thousands of bucks to Russell Peters to watch him crack this joke and can give him a standing ovation for this one but when I crack the same one for free; I become a moron and a womanizer?
K: Duh!! Ok ok ok!! So you said both of these are not true. So what is the true reason for you being single and not getting married?
Me: Sorry, I cannot tell you that. If I will tell you, I will have to kill you. You don’t want to die. Do you?
K: You have a sick sense of humor.
Me: I would like to believe that I have a sarcastic sense of humor
K: Bhak Bahenchod!!!!!!!